Do you ever wonder what it sometimes takes to ensure a happy ending for dogs that are not quickly adopted by the public? Do you ever wonder what a dog might say that has finally been given that second chance?
Some answers to both questions by special guest
contributor, Chunk Handler.
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Just to be clear. I’m a dog. I’m not a hero. I’ve never gone out of my way to rescue a kitten from a burning building. I’ve never alerted someone that little Timmy was stuck at the bottom of a well. What kind of little jerk plays next to a well anyway? I’m just your average dog. I eat, I sleep, and I take giant shadoobies. And sometimes I lay those dumps next to my Mom…while she’s exercising in Pilates class. I’m just regular old Chunk Handler. Bearing this in mind, you can imagine my surprise when I opened my email one day to find this letter.
Dear Chunk,
Well, Mr. gift-that-keeps-on-giving, this time you’ve outdone yourself. You’ve actually helped save a dog’s life! And I’d like you to write a Happy Ending story about it.
Good work, Chunk.
Marda
What’s a “Happy Ending” story? I have my suspicions about Happy Endings, but I doubt that’s what Marda’s talking about. LOL. I once knew this guy who would just say “LOL” instead of actually laughing. It’s like, get a life guy.
So far, my own life has had a pretty happy ending. I was saved from an Animal Shelter a day before my execution. A very generous person named Chelsea Handler adopted me. If you don’t know who Chelsea is, I don’t have time to explain it to you. It’s called Google. If you don’t know what Google is, then I really can’t help you.
Apparently there was a lot of hard work that led to my adoption. I was trained by a Drill Sergeant, stripped of all my bad habits, and house-broken for a life outside the shelter. None of it stuck by the way, I’m back to all my old ways, bitches. The Drill Sergeant worked tirelessly to get my story out to the people. She sent emails, made calls, and wrote all about my story, pleading for someone to take a chance on me. My story got popular, Chelsea adopted me, and then my story got even more popular. Grassroots really works, girl.
The better news is that through all the networking and contacts built off my success, the nice people at the shelter were able to save another dog’s life. Some bitch named Candy. She’s a one-year old Pit Bull, and she didn’t attract just one family to adopt her. She got FOUR. That’s unheard of, especially for a Pit Bull. Shortly after that, they were able to adopt out a 13-year old, nearly deaf, arthritic dog! Talk about a tough sell.
I think this is all great. But I just don’t see what any of it has to do with me. What did I ever do? I re-read the email from Marda, and sure enough she said right there that I had “outdone myself.” What the hell does that mean? I didn’t do anything. Chelsea’s a hero. The Drill Sergeant is a hero. The people who adopted those dogs are heroes. They’re all the ones who actually DID something. I sit around Twittering random thoughts like “Help! My Mom left me in the car.”
http://twitter.com/chunkhandler
After sleeping on it, and then sleeping on it for a couple more weeks because I was really tired, I had a great idea. Maybe I didn’t do anything to save those dogs’ lives, but I can do something to help save others. Just by writing about my story, I’m helping raise awareness about all the great dogs out there that really need homes. The more people who know about this cause, the more dogs will be rescued from shelters. Go adopt a dog and love it forever, okay? I fired up my blackberry and quickly wrote back to Marda. It started like this…
Dear Marda,
Let me be clear. I’m a dog. I’m not a hero. But maybe I could be….
Many thanks to Chelsea Handler for Chunk’s appearance here.
"You can catch her—and sometimes Chunk—on her popular late night E! channel show, Chelsea Lately."
Why is he toothless you ask? We don't have an answer and Finegan can’t tell us. The good news is that it doesn't seem to bother him. He takes treats with the best of them and as long as his food is soft he will have no problems. His weight appears to be normal for a dog his size. What a story he would tell if only he could talk.
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